tw: image contains a really heterosexist tweet
The powers that be do not want me to have a good night.
Man, let’s say you’re at a party, yeah? And there are people at the party that prefer cake, and people at the party who prefer pie, so the host serves both. Alright, cool.
So you go in for a slice of pie, when suddenly the host CHARGES over and goes “WOAH WOAH WOAH WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?”
“I’m having some pie, man, chill.”
“What the hell? I thought you had cake last time.”
“Yeah, I did have cake last time. But I’m not feeling the cake tonight. And this is my favorite kind of pie.”
“Ohhh no. I thought you were a CAKE person and now all of a sudden you’re eating pie on me? You’re confusing me! Make up your mind!”
“What’s the big deal, even? There’s plenty of both for everyone.”
“YOU CAN’T LIKE BOTH CAKE AND PIE. YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE.”
But man, fuck that guy, I’m going to have the pie anyway, who cares if I had cake last week.
And then if that pie is so good that I never want any other dessert for the rest of my life, that doesn’t mean I suddenly never liked that cake that I ate.
Actually this metaphor is kind of dumb. I guess I should just leave it at “fuck you.”
No, it’s sweet. In fact, it’s a lovely springboard for the rest of the sexualities. For instance, asexuality:
You’re enjoying the party - the music, the conversation - but you just don’t feel like eating cake or pie.
Suddenly, the host charges over with some cake he’s sure you’ll love. He knows this cake. It’s not too rich and not too dry. You politely refuse.
The party keeps going until the host comes back with a slice of pie, practically shoving it in your hands. You try to refuse again.
“Oh come on, what do you want?”
“Nothing, I’m fine.”
“Are you on a diet?”
“No, I just don’t eat pie. Or cake.”
“…you had a bad experience with dessert, didn’t you?”
“Excuse me?”
“Forgive me if I’m getting too personal, but it had to be something traumatic. Did someone spike a baked good of whatever construction with a laxative?”
“Fuck no. I just have no desire to eat dessert. I’m sure your pies, cakes, muffins, cookies, waffles, wafers, Nutella sandwiches, what have you…I’m sure they are all lovely. Please, serve them to any and all who would consume them. I’m not one of them. Is that really so hard to comprehend?”
“…you just haven’t found the right one.”
I sort of really love dessert metaphors for sexuality because some of the things people say about sexuality are so ridiculous, but people really only notice them with the metaphors.
Also I love them because I like food and I’m going to eat some dessert now.
the metaphor may begin to break down around demisexuality but what if you’re not really into the whole “eating desserts” thing, in general; like, maybe sweets just ain’t your thing! But your significant other always makes special desserts just for you and they put a lot of effort into them and so of course you eat them and they’re—well, they’re really nice, and so from then on you just really like the desserts they make, but if you go out to a party and they just have random desserts chillaxing you’re always like “eh” “nah” “doesn’t look too appetizing” “[SO] didn’t make ‘em they’re probs not that gr8”
and with pansexuality is like if you like cakes AND pies AND puddings and—just, all desserts, as long as they taste good! Trifles? Yes! Cookies? Yes! Fruit salad? Yes! Ice cream? Yes! But then people are just like “what there are only pies or cakes to choose from WHAT ARE THESE OTHER DESSERTS YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT I DON’T UNDERSTAND U”
The most perfect post.
Hmm, going the other way now there are always those people who, at the age of 14 or 15, after eating nothing but pie all their life, learn what a quiche is.
Now, being honest with themselves, quiche is really not their thing. It doesn’t really suit their tastes. But man, does it feel cool to be eating a quiche. Like, none of my friends eat quiche. They all eat that pie shit. And man, I’ve heard that not many stores carry quiche, despite demands from quiche lovers that many stores start doing so- it’s just not happening. Pie fans can’t even begin to fathom the idea of their delicious pies being sold alongside icky quiches.
So then they make a point to eat quiche day in and day out as long as anyone can see them. They make sure to especially stuff their faces with quiche in front of those die hard pie fans that feel like vomiting at the sight of quiche. Whenever they see someone eating pie, they scoff and comment how someday they’re going to get fat from all that pie, and how they just don’t know how good life could be if they stopped being so afraid to eat quiche.
But secretly in the security of their own home they still eat pie, and the people who actually love quiche now feel even more embarrassed to eat quiche, because they don’t actually want everyone to watch them eat quiche, and they’re perfectly happy doing it in the privacy of their own home.
Meanwhile pie lovers who saw these so called quiche eaters hate quiche even more. Some of them might discover in their mid to late 40s that they were closet quiche eaters this whole time, but they will always be conflicted over it.
What a sad life eating baked goods. :c
(Source: not-homophobic-but, via ghostbono)
